"I know," CT says, voice still steady and calm. Carolina's not the first one to apologise to CT and who knows, maybe she won't even be the last, but that doesn't mean CT doesn't listen just as closely as she did those previous times. "I can tell, and I believe you, and I accept that. And— I don't... blame you any more than I blame anyone else, Carolina."
Herself included, but offering up her own guilt here doesn't feel like the right thing to do. It feels unfair, somehow, when Carolina has this weight on her shoulders.
"Before Wash got here I expected to be... so, so angry at him, if I ever saw him again. I tried so hard to get him to listen to me, to hear what I was saying, and at every turn he froze me out. After that, I stopped trying to get any of you to listen. I wrote you all off as people I couldn't turn to and went it alone. That was my choice. Not— not just because you were all unlikely to listen, but because if I worked alone, it was less likely you'd all get hurt."
Ha. Like it mattered, in the end. Two survivors out of a squad of ten, and who knows how many casualties in the lower ranks.
"I made my choice. I put a target on my own back. There's as many things I could have done differently to save myself as there are things you could have done to protect me." Her hand twitches as if to move, but it stays on the table. She picks at the scar across her palm. "I know nothing I say will make you feel less like you should have done more, like you didn't protect me, and this isn't me trying to convince you otherwise. This is just me... telling you how it was, from my perspective. I was angry at all of you, at the end, but I've had time since then. I'm not angry anymore."
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"I know," CT says, voice still steady and calm. Carolina's not the first one to apologise to CT and who knows, maybe she won't even be the last, but that doesn't mean CT doesn't listen just as closely as she did those previous times. "I can tell, and I believe you, and I accept that. And— I don't... blame you any more than I blame anyone else, Carolina."
Herself included, but offering up her own guilt here doesn't feel like the right thing to do. It feels unfair, somehow, when Carolina has this weight on her shoulders.
"Before Wash got here I expected to be... so, so angry at him, if I ever saw him again. I tried so hard to get him to listen to me, to hear what I was saying, and at every turn he froze me out. After that, I stopped trying to get any of you to listen. I wrote you all off as people I couldn't turn to and went it alone. That was my choice. Not— not just because you were all unlikely to listen, but because if I worked alone, it was less likely you'd all get hurt."
Ha. Like it mattered, in the end. Two survivors out of a squad of ten, and who knows how many casualties in the lower ranks.
"I made my choice. I put a target on my own back. There's as many things I could have done differently to save myself as there are things you could have done to protect me." Her hand twitches as if to move, but it stays on the table. She picks at the scar across her palm. "I know nothing I say will make you feel less like you should have done more, like you didn't protect me, and this isn't me trying to convince you otherwise. This is just me... telling you how it was, from my perspective. I was angry at all of you, at the end, but I've had time since then. I'm not angry anymore."